By Rev. Walt H. Windley, Senior Director of Spiritual Care and Grief Services, VIA Health Partners
Grief is like…”waves that never truly stop but become smaller over time”…”a heavy coat with pockets full of rocks”…”a physical wound that takes time to heal”…”a volume switch that you slowly learn to manage”…”an explosion of glitter that is impossible to clean up”…
Thanks to a quick Google search, one can easily find countless metaphors to describe what often feels too big and too complex for our human language. As author Shelby Forsythia puts it, “When we say, ‘I miss them,’ we might mean something like, ‘I’m trying to rebuild from a life that loss destroyed, and everything feels weird and alien.’”
For those of us who have experienced a close loss, we understand that notion of feeling lost, undone, struggling to make sense of what is in front of us, as if living in a brain fog that settles in for a season (yes, grief brain is a legitimate thing!). Culturally, especially in the Western world, we are inundated with messages of control, power, a fix-it mentality…something that often runs contrary to our experience of grief.
Can we really stubborn our way through? In this author’s humble opinion, grief isn’t meant to be something “we get over;” instead, we learn how to integrate our experience of loss into the common and ordinary of everyday life, taking moments to both honor and remember what has been as we chart a course for what is to come.
In my personal experience and journey, I was not prepared for the holistic way in which grief would find residence. Living in a day defined by silos, it is rare for us to consider the potential impact of what works its way into the myriad of parts and portions of who we are, like roots or tentacles with a wide and driving reach.
Below, I hope to offer a few insights gained from experience and clients who have lovingly and boldly shared their stories, providing a sense of normalcy in what feels undone.
1. Grief Is as Individual as the Relationship We Shared With the One We Lost
No two relationships are exactly the same, defined by the character, personality and perspective of each participant. How we mourn that loss will reflect the closeness, trust, respect and connectedness of that individual relationship.
In other words, my grief will look different from your grief. There is no “one-size-fits-all” model or prescribed timeframe for each “step” in my healing process. It’s not a longitudinal journey; instead, it is a squiggly line of cutbacks, repeats, ups and downs. It may change over seasons, time and circumstances in one’s life, like the pages of a book when viewed through a contextual lens.
2. Grief May Manifest Itself in One’s Body Through a Multitude of Ways
It may be that pounding headache, the upset stomach, or the ache in one’s back. It may be the restlessness at night or sluggish feeling that just won’t go away. As one turns inward, he or she may forget to eat or drink, something that can lead to increased weakness or dehydration.
Something as simple as keeping a water bottle close by can make a dramatic difference in one’s personal health as one weaves through the feelings and emotions of saying goodbye.
3. Emotional Burial Often Comes Much Later After the Physical Burial
Both legally and traditionally, we move to a physical burial just days after a death. However, the emotional burial of “naming and acknowledging” the reality of death doesn’t happen that quickly!
In survival mode, one will fight against that realization, needing baby bites to slowly swallow and accept this new truth. Denial works until it doesn’t. Practice deep compassion with one’s self as your body, mind and soul wrap around this new reality.
4. Following a Loss, We Undergo a Series of “Firsts” During the Next Year
The first holiday without them. The first birthday in their memory. The first time we complete a task they always did on our behalf.
Being intentional about these “firsts” provides both safety and direction, removing the guesswork from those who want to journey with us while giving us permission to encounter these days on our own terms. Remember that others can’t read your mind.
In time, we learn to grow with our grief, finding that their memory and legacy empowers our ability to love in big ways while seeking connection through the things that truly matter. We grieve because we have loved!
