By John Linabury
As a grief facilitator, I have been asked on more than one occasion by someone suffering from deep pain and loss, “When does my grief end?” Fortunately or unfortunately, I believe I know the answer to their question. Before I give my answer to that question, let’s look at some general grief realities.
Grief is natural and 100% personal. As counselors Danial Green and Mel Laurenz explain, grief is “the natural, expected reaction to a loss.” While their statement fits perfectly within a larger contextual/clinical point, for those in the midst of grief, their personal reaction is often anything but expected. Grief is also natural in the context that our own deaths may well be the cause of a loved one’s grief. We individually grieve differently for different loved ones. How a grandparent is grieved may be significantly different than how we grieve the death of a child or spouse. Parents grieving the death of a child will be grieving the same person, but their grief will not be the same way, at the same time, with the same reactions. Grief isn’t a competition; it is often a chaotic, incomprehensible and debilitating set of natural emotions. As C. S. Lewis writes, “In grief nothing stays put. One keeps emerging from a phase, but it always recurs.” There is nothing linear about grief.
So where does mourning fit into all of this? Mourning is the outward, visible expression of the inward personal grief. Like grief, there is no right or wrong way to mourn. To ignore your grief simply delays your grief; grief will occur. Discovering the best way for you to mourn and grieve is often trial and error. Your needs may also change over time.
A husband who lost his wife went to a grief support group and, after two visits, swore he would never go back with “those people.” He needed and received help from a therapist who specialized in grief. Many months later, his therapist suggested he again try the support group. His needs had changed, and suddenly “those people” were exactly the people he needed in his life.
Self-care—discovering what helps us address, not avoid, our grief—is essential, not selfish. The apostle Paul wrote, “Love is patient and kind.” In Tabletalk, Pastor Kyle Borg wrote of this: “These two qualities belong together. Patience is love’s restraint; kindness is love’s initiative. Love does not merely suffer long with others; it actively seeks their good while bearing patiently with them.”
In a grief support group, hearing another person’s story repeatedly requires patience; asking them to tell their story again is kindness. I believe listening can be very important to grief. If I’m struggling to express my grief, I may hear someone else clearly articulate what I desperately wanted to say. I may be too numb or exhausted to express myself, but really listening helps the loneliness often felt with grief.
Back to the original question, “When does my grief end?” Grief ends when you no longer love the one who died. For most people, if not all, that means their grief will never end. The greater and deeper the love, the longer and stronger grief remains. The vast majority find their grief changing over time—changing but never ending.
